


Caring

by free_kindness



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Sad, conflicted - Freeform, emotional cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9822614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/free_kindness/pseuds/free_kindness
Summary: Takes place before Phil Coulson's death in New York. Sad-Melinda May and mixed-emotions Phil Coulson. Once felt like a distant friendship re-kindling to become more than "friends".





	

*3 days before Phil Coulson’s first death in NYC*

 

He couldn’t stop tapping his foot. He couldn’t stop fidgeting in his seat. He couldn’t stop staring outside the door.

 

He couldn’t focus.

 

Why was he so nervous? He felt like his heart was going to burst. It has been almost a year that they have met face to face, but it wasn’t because he didn’t care for her because he did. Greatly. Oh, how much he cared about Melinda May. He often asked around - to Fury, to her Superior, to her coworkers - making sure she was adjusting well in the office, doing ok without him. And he often called her, every time he felt like he was going on a mission that was life-threatening, he always called her - even just to make small talk about the weather.

 

‘She never called’. Phil wondered. He was the one to always call her. Even when he was dating someone else, she was in the back of his mind - ‘Not romantically’ - he quickly defended himself, but to be honest, he wasn’t sure. When he thought of Mel while he was with Audrey, he felt guilty - he felt like he was cheating on Audrey. Maybe that’s why he pushed Melinda away unconsciously.

 

He was sitting in the corner of a small coffee shop, quietly waiting for her. “It’s been 5 minutes”, he told himself as he was staring at his watch. Blame his field-agent, punctual time instincts, but he couldn’t help himself but starting to think that maybe May has bailed on him - the tea was getting colder, and so was his coffee,  but he didn’t dare to pick it up. He wanted to share this moment with Melinda May.

 

_Ring_

 

The door chimed and May walked in and in that moment, a wave of relief hit Phil. He finally stopped tapping his feet and raised his hand, greeted her with a warm smile. “Mel”, he said softly. She nodded her head, walking towards him, but no smile.

 

He gulped.

 

“Hey.” He said after she was settled in her seat.

 

“Hi.” She replied. It wasn’t necessarily in a cold voice but it felt distant. This scared him.

 

There was a long silence - not the comfortable kind either. He really wanted to talk to her - ask her how she has been doing, if she was seeing anyone or hell, he would’ve been happy to talk to her about what she had for breakfast. The air surrounding them was heavy and he felt like he was going to suffocate if this silence was continued any longer.

 

“I ordered you tea.” He said, at last, breaking the heavy silence. “Lemon green tea. You know… Because you don’t drink coffee.”

 

“Thank you.” She replied. It was short, it was professional, it sounded very routine. 

“...And you drink yours with cream and milk. All water-downed where it doesn’t even taste like coffee anymore.” She added on a lighter note.

 

He smiled. “You always made fun of me for that.” He took a sip. “When you can’t even drink coffee yourself!”

 

She raised her brows and he saw her smile, just the tiniest bit. “It’s not that I _can't_ drink coffee. I just don’t drink it.”

 

“Mhm,” Phil nodded sarcastically, not believing her. And thankfully, the air seemed to thin out a bit, the awkward tension was slowly broken down. “I was surprised when you called me.”

 

May didn’t answer right away. “I heard that you had a big case with the Avengers and you didn’t call _me_ so…” She shrugged it off.

 

But Phil realized something. He realized, that she knew he called every time before a big case, and she was waiting for one of those calls. He always thought that Mel didn’t care about their phone call nowadays because she never talked to him, but he realized that she was actually waiting for them too.

 

She cared.

 

“I’m sorry. I was going to call actually today, I just had to get away from Audre-” He stopped mid-sentence. He looked up at May who seemed apathetic but he sensed the air getting thicker again.

 

\-----flashback-----

 

_“Why do you never call me before you go to work?” Audrey asked one day, sitting on her bed, while Phil was in the bathroom, re-adjusting his tie._

 

_“I can’t. Work protocols.”_

 

_“It’s not like I’m asking you to tell me what you are doing at work - can’t you just call me before you risk your life to save the world?”_

 

_“I usually don’t have time for that.” He replied. He looked at himself in the mirror - straight up lying to Audrey._

 

_“Well, apparently you have time for Agent M.” She said passive aggressively in a smaller voice, thinking that Phil wouldn’t hear it._

 

_Phil stopped fidgeting with his tie. He gulped. “Who told you that?”_

 

_She scoffed. “I’m not dumb you know.” There was a silence in the air.  He felt extremely uncomfortable and guilty._

 

_But what for? It wasn’t like he was cheating on Audrey._

 

_“Phil, are you cheating on me?” Audrey asked, breaking the long silence._

 

_Phil gulped. He knew he had to come out of the bathroom and face her but he couldn’t bring himself to. He couldn’t move. “….No.” He replied, but there was an uncertainty in his voice - he was worried that Audrey might’ve heard it._

 

_She cleared her throat. “Well okay. I believe you.” Her hands were absent-mindedly grasping the blanket, playing with it. “Just call me once in a while, will you?”_

 

_He walked out of the bathroom and reached for his suit jacket hung on the vanity chair. “I told you, I usually don’t have time for that.” He replied and walked out the door, wanting to get out as soon as possible._

 

_He was afraid that if he stayed there a second longer, Audrey would call his bluff._

 

_He was scared to admit that whenever he felt like his life was in danger, it wasn’t Audrey that he thought of - it was Melinda May._

 

———---

 

Melinda nodded. “How are things going between you and Audrey?”

 

“It has only been a few months,” Phil said defensively. “But you know what they say about dating civilians.” He tried to crack up a joke to lighten the mood but he failed miserably.

 

Melinda just nodded, again. “I hope things go well between you two.” There was a sense of genuinity in her voice but for some reason, Phil hated it. The idea of Melinda May cheering him and Audrey weirdly sickened him. She looked up, finally. “We both need some normal in our life.”

 

“I don’t.” He answered looking straight back at her, rather too quickly. “I don’t want normal.”

 

“I do.”

 

“No, you don’t. The Melinda May I know hates normal.”

 

“Well, you don’t really know me that well, do you?” She shot back. But then her expression changed. It softened, almost as if she was trying to take back what she had said. But she couldn’t.

 

Those words to Phil felt like someone threw a bucket of cold water on him. He felt chill and hurt for no reason. He felt like someone just punched him in the gut. It was true that they didn’t talk as much, or spend time as much but that didn’t mean that he didn’t care about her. He cared about her greatly and for him to hear that he didn’t really know the person he cared about the most, really hurt him.

 

Melinda sighed. “Things changed, Phil. I changed, you changed, we changed. After Bahrain, things changed.”

 

‘Always the damn Bahrain.’ He thought. He really never knew what happened in there but a part of him always blamed himself. If he was there with her, he could’ve helped her. He could’ve prevented this and he could’ve saved all those soldiers.

 

Mel stood up. “I think.. I think I’m going to use the bathroom.” She said and left.

 

————

 

She was staring at herself in the mirror. The reflection looked tired, helpless and empty. God, she hated confrontation. She was scared to go back out - she knew that she shouldn’t have said what she said, and she knew it hurt Phil, she could see it in his face. 

 

She hated this:

 

She hated confrontation. 

 

She hated this situation. 

 

She hated herself. 

 

The amount of self-hatred she had with herself after what she had done in Bahrain, killed her inside out every day. 

 

The bathroom door busted open. Phil walked into the bathroom. Before she could say anything, he started yelling.

 

“You don’t get to say that.” He said. “You don’t get to tell me that I don’t know you, because Melinda May, I know you.” He was breathing harshly. She could practically hear his heartbeat going through the roof.

 

He continued, “I know that you only drink 3 kinds of tea, I know that your favorite fruit is a strawberry, and you only eat plain greek yogurt. You like Van Gogh, you like France - but not Paris. You like soap operas but hate reality TV. You want 2 kids, a big house with a big garden in Vermont. You hate spring because you have pollen allergies and you love summer because that’s when you have your birthday - and as much as you say you hate birthdays, you secretly love them. May, I know you. I don’t know what happened in there, in that room in Bahrain, but I know you blame yourself for it. I also know that you think you are this completely different person after that incident, but you are not. I can see it in your eyes - behind all that blame and guilt, you are still Melinda May. You still love tea, plain greek yogurt, and Van Gogh. And I still know you.”

 

She looked at him utterly speechless. She knew that he knew her inside out but to hear him say it was totally different.

 

“And you don’t get to blame me. You don’t get to blame yourself. It was no one’s fault.” He added. 

 

His sense of confidence faded. He looked down, almost pleading, “Please… Please don’t blame me. I can’t stand the idea of you hating me; it makes me physically sick.”

Melinda wanted to walk up to him and touch him, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that. “I don’t blame you…”

 

“But you do.” He said. “I can see it in your eyes.”

 

“I don’t blame you for not being there Phil. I blame you for not being there after - when I needed you.”

 

“I was there, I tried to help you but you pushed me away.”

 

“You know I push people away!” Melinda yelled. “Phil, you know I push people away when I feel vulnerable, you knew that and you still left me. I needed you. I needed someone to talk to, someone to lean against but you just walked away - pretending it never happened.”

 

“I wasn’t-” He saw Mel tearing up, he saw the glassy eyes. He only ever saw Mel crying three times: when her father died, Bahrain and now this. He quietly looked down, “You had Andrew. You were married.”

 

\-----flashback-----

 

_He knew he was being a coward._

 

_When he didn’t answer Melinda’s calls, when he didn’t answer to her texts, he knew he was avoiding her because he was scared._

 

_Not scared of her, not scared of her breakdown but scared of himself._

_He was scared that once he sees vulnerable Melinda, he would take advantage of her._

_He was scared that once he sees how unhappy she truly was, he was going to try to take her away._

_He was scared he was going to disrupt her only sense of ‘normal’ in her life._

 

_So he didn’t answer her calls, nor her texts and avoided her. Because he was scared._

 

_\-------_

 

“You have no idea how lonely I was.” She said. “You have no idea how I spent my nights, re-living it over and over again. I couldn’t talk to Andrew - you know that. Once I started pushing Andrew away, he no longer saw me as his wife, he saw me as his patient - trying to analyze every move, trying to figure out what happened. It was toxic for me.” She looked up to him. A single drop of tear strolling down her cheeks. “Phil, I wanted to die.”

 

**Phil, I wanted to die**

 

That sentence was echoing in his ears. It felt like as if someone stabbed him. Someone just stopped his heart. He felt the air being sucked out of his lungs. ‘Where was I?’ He asked himself. When the person he cared about the most, the person he loved the most, wanted to die, where was he? He was so caught up in his own selfish cowardliness that he didn’t even… He hated himself.

 

By this time, Melinda was sobbing uncontrollably. Her face was wet with tears and she wasn’t breathing properly.

 

Phil walked up to her and hugged her. He rest her head on his shoulder. He didn’t know if this was acceptable but he didn’t care. He just wanted to hug her and comfort her.  

 

He knew that it took a lot of courage for Melinda to talk about this - especially being the person who is known for hiding her feelings. He knew, that for Mel, this was a huge step.

 

“I’m sorry.” He quietly muttered as he gently stroke down her hair. She sobbed louder on his shoulder. He never felt so useless in his life but he knew that all he could do at this time was just to be here for her like he should’ve been there 3 years ago after Bahrain. “I’m sorry.” He repeated countlessly.

 


End file.
